


Coming Down

by miasheelys



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Drug Addiction, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Lesbian, Martha Blackburn & Toni Shalifoe Friendship, Post-Canon, Post-rescue (the wilds), Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe-centric, Shelby/Toni - Freeform, The Unsinkable Eight (The Wilds), four years later, non-au, post rescue, queer, shelby good kind/toni shalifoe, toni/shelby - Freeform, wlw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 02:00:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30132282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miasheelys/pseuds/miasheelys
Summary: Addiction has a way of sneaking up on you, and Toni has always struggled with control. Four years post-rescue, Toni's had it hard. Despite having a steady relationship, new friends, and a new, better life, she finds herself further and further away from the good feelings. So she chases them at parties, at the bottoms of bottles, and in brief bouts of euphoria. For Shelby, it's getting to be too hard to handle. Sometimes, things have to shatter to be rebuilt.*This is based on "Coming Down" by The Weeknd.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind & Toni Shalifoe, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 9
Kudos: 97





	Coming Down

_All alone_ _  
_ _  
_ _All alone_

 _  
_  
Toni wasn't alone, not really. There were several nameless faces and grinding bodies surrounding her. The air was pungent with the stench of liquor and sweat. She contributed to the scene with her sloshing cup in hand, carelessly blending into her environment. As she moved and danced against strangers backlit by blue light, she couldn't abandon the notion that something was missing. Perhaps it was someone.

  
_All alone_ _  
_ _  
_ _All alone_ _  
_

  
Someone. Shelby. She slowed to a stop with the crushing realization that she'd let herself slip into it again. Where was Shelby?  
  
"Shit." Toni swore at her carelessness and excused herself from the hazy atmosphere.  
  
She'd been doing so well. One drink led to another, and she didn't even remember how she'd gotten to be here. Fuck. What happened to her promise? Her fingers ran through her hair as she pressed the cup to her lips once more. The bitter taste she craved hit her tongue, but that same action seemed to sober her up. She wove through the crowd on the outskirts, suddenly desperate to get somewhere quieter. With Shelby at the front of her mind, suddenly the bass was making her temples pound.  
  
Uncoordinated hands rushed to grasp her iPhone from her pocket. The four text messages and two missed calls from Shelby didn't come as a surprise. With a heightened sense of apprehension, she unlocked her phone. She was met with the home screen of the two of them sharing a chaste kiss. It was from when times were happier. Regret washed over her at the thought of what Shelby would say. Her nerves almost got the best of her, but she pressed call anyway.

  
  
_I got something to tell you_ _  
_ _  
_ _But don't know how Imma say it_ _  
_ _  
_ _I guess that I could only say one thing_

 _  
_ _  
_ "Shelby...?" Toni said cautiously. She braced herself for the yelling. She prepared herself for the disappointment and the guilt-tripping, but it didn't come. Her girlfriend was eerily quiet on the other line for the first few moments.  
  
"Are you done?" Shelby asked. 

There was no malice to her tone, but she was exasperated. She had been compulsively checking Toni’s location from her phone, growing more resentful as Toni flocked between the bars and clubs downtown. She pulled the phone back to check the time: 3:21 AM. Typical.  
  
Toni stalled, trying her best to come up with an excuse. She was disoriented, having only sobered up a little bit. A tentative hand rubbed at the back of her neck as she prolonged her answer.  
  
"I'm coming," Shelby huffed, then hung up the phone.

  
_Girl I been bad again_ _  
_ _  
_ _Girl I been bad again_

 _  
_  
"I'm sorry… Don't be mad," Toni pleaded as she stumbled into the car. She closed the door behind her, anticipating the backlash. By now, she was keen on the things Shelby would say; she'd heard them all before.  
  
"Put your seatbelt on." Shelby sucked in a calming breath and gripped the steering wheel a little harder. Her eyes were deadened, focused on nothing in front of her. She hadn’t looked at Toni once. 

"Sorry," Toni repeated, letting her gaze linger to see if she would meet her eyes. She placed her hands between her thighs and looked out of the window when she didn’t.

  
  
_Cause with this money comes problems_ _  
_ _  
_ _And with these problems come solutions_ _  
_ _  
_ _And I use 'em_ _  
_ _  
_ _But I'm faded_ _  
_

  
The E she’d taken earlier had its effect long ago. However, the shots left a lingering impression. She wasn't herself when she was cross-faded the way she was tonight. As the silence in the car stretched out, Toni bit her lip. Any minute now, she expected Shelby to explode on her. She sat on her hands and began pressing her fingers into her thighs as she waited for it.  
  
They were over halfway home. That burning in her stomach wasn’t a product of the drink; it was guilt that gurgled within her and made her mouth dry. She rocked in the passenger's seat to soothe herself, but she was confused by the silence. Sometimes, Shelby was a sobbing mess, worrying about what Toni was doing to herself. Other times, she was a trembling, jaw-clenching ball of reserved anger, telling her how it was unfair and questioning Toni’s love. Either way, there was always a reaction, a forced conversation. Not even the radio played as Toni unraveled beside her stoic girlfriend. The pitter-patter of the rain and the wish-wash of the windshield wipers served as the only conversation in the car. 

Shelby’s silence was deafening, but Toni couldn’t bring herself to cut the tension. The thing about Shelby that Toni admired most was her ability to create light in her darkness. Shelby was not loud or destructive, but she always commanded her to listen. Those jade eyes pierced through whatever barrier Toni put up and required her to answer to it. Now, Toni was listening but Shelby had nothing to say. 

Instead of reciting her apology script for Shelby, Toni turned inward and thought hard about herself, their relationship, and how she had gotten to this point. Life after their rescue hadn’t been what Toni thought it would be. They were a sensation for a moment—a few months of constant goodwill and charity, interviews and retellings. Later, the trial. More interviews and Leah’s book that released a few years later. But news isn’t news forever. Around four years later when the starlight faded and real life settled in, Toni began to spiral. 

Toni had always felt that a person only needed one other good person. Marty was her person. There was no closure for losing her, despite Shelby’s blind trust in God’s plan and her spirited speeches about the lessons we all need to learn. When she followed Shelby to Houston, she thought her life would grow with Shelby’s. Now, post-college, Shelby was thriving. By her 21st birthday, Toni started to feel that everyone was moving except her; now it felt like everyone was moving on without her--outgrowing her.

It felt like she had missed her chance for school; every semester she swore she would apply and didn’t. The thought of college was overwhelming, and adulthood was terrifying. She didn’t know what she wanted to do in her life. The bar became a place without judgment or comparison for lost souls like her. Eventually, it became a crutch. And then it crippled her. 

_I forget_ _  
_ _  
_ _I forget what you mean to me_ _  
_ _  
_ _Hope you know what you mean to me_

 _  
_ _  
_ "Get up, we're home," Shelby muttered as she nudged the sleeping girl's leg. She pursed her lips as she stared at Toni's slumped, drunken figure, disgusted with this version of her girlfriend.  
  
Shelby was so sick of it. This was a scene that had played out before her way too many times. Destructive tendencies mold into different expressions, and Toni had (mostly) grown out of her temper tantrums. She no longer smashed things or spit fire; these days, she disappeared. Toni handled herself on her own without making it anyone else’s problem—at least that’s how she explained it. 

Despite how creatively Toni explained herself, Shelby was at her wit’s end. She couldn’t figure out how to help her, and Toni would never tell her what she needed. She had been living with the shell of the girl she’d fallen in love with on that island. This person was a Toni-shaped caricature that did not care about anyone, could not provide anything, and did not love her anymore. Downward spirals don’t happen overnight. Shelby had her theories about where it began.

Sometimes, Shelby wondered how Martha’s death truly affected her. Toni never discussed it, ever. She didn’t know if she partied like this because of latent grief, some other deterioration of her mental state, or some twisted subconscious mission to end up like her mother. Intoxication colored Toni a shade differently. The ways it enabled her horrified Shelby. Though she'd never lashed out at her directly, Shelby had witnessed Toni's acts of violence when she was inebriated. The night she punched the mirror, Shelby knew it was time to consider other options. 

Always opting for redemption and never out of second chances, she treated Toni with trepidation—now so cautious of the girl she loved. That was a bit like wearing clown shoes in a minefield; nothing Shelby did was ever right. If she suggested group therapy, it was a problem. Ideas of rehab, couple’s therapy, or taking a break never seemed to get off the ground. Eventually, her only condition and saving grace was for Toni to promise to get help, to _show her_ that she'd get help. And Toni had _just_ gotten her one-month sobriety chip.

If there was ever a decision to make between pushing Toni to be better or giving up on her, Shelby always opted for the former. They were always able to somewhat settle their discrepancies, but never truly overcome their differences. Each infraction was merely swept under the rug, with both girls feeling like it was best to just ignore what couldn't be fixed overnight. The date nights waned, replaced by Shelby's memorized route to town to pick up a demoralized Toni. Their intimacy had been on a steady decline, but now they felt more like roommates than lovers. Every so often, the guilt would spark an earnest conversation about their potential and how to get back to where they'd come from. But people only have so much to say. When that became every other night, the conversations stopped. Toni disappeared, and Shelby stewed.

Shelby decided she couldn't settle for that, so she gave Toni the ultimatum. Things had been decent for a moment, until tonight.

They fought after Shelby confronted her about her future—whether she would get a job soon, or go to school, or adopt a community project. Anything to get her off the couch. She knew she had cornered her for the disconcerting conversation, but she hadn’t expected her to run. 

  
_Pick up your phone_ _  
_ _  
_ _The party's finished and I want you to know_ _  
_

_  
_ Shelby glanced down at the dimly-lit screen of her phone. Her messages to Toni were still open. There was a seemingly never-ending string of outgoing messages. Right after Toni fled their apartment, Shelby tried a softer approach at suggesting she get herself together. She unashamedly sent text after text to her, making several desperate attempts to coax her back to their apartment so they could speak about it properly. Toni's excuse for leaving was that she needed some space. Shelby found it funny how she ended up at that nightclub due to her apparent 'space'. It infuriated her.  
  
"Wake up, Toni," Shelby said more forcefully, pushing Toni’s leg again.  
  
Toni groggily opened her eyes, still resting against the window. She felt drained. Her headache had progressed into a migraine in the little time she'd passed out. She pressed the heel of her hand to her temple as she grimaced at Shelby.  
  
"What?" Toni drawled when she assessed the icy glare coming from Shelby.  
  
Shelby only opened the car door and let herself out.  
  
Toni shrugged. She didn't have it in her to drag the problem out of Shelby right now. If she wanted to be evasive, she would let her; a problem for tomorrow. While Shelby didn't bother waiting for her, Toni slowly trudged out of the car.

* * *

  
Toni had passed out hours ago. She was sleeping undisturbed in the bed they usually shared. Shelby couldn't find the forgiveness to lie next to her nor the peace of mind to fall asleep. She sat awake, idly sitting on the couch in the dark.  
  
Toni’s recklessness had severed the only thing binding them together. The promise of sobriety was the gateway to patching their relationship. After seeing her on the brink of death from those mussels on the island all those years ago, Shelby knew she couldn’t handle an overdose. The panic attacks she had when Toni wouldn’t wake up were enough for her. She made her promise to get help after she collapsed in the living room. Together, they agreed that if Toni couldn't see it through, it was fair game for Shelby to leave.  
  
Deep down, Shelby knew Toni wouldn't be able to fulfill that commitment without seeking help. It was too much of an obvious burden. Shelby acknowledged her endeavors, though. She constantly refused drinks when they had outings with their friends and passed up each opportunity to smoke (as far as she knew). Instead of storming out and ending up at some bar or club, Toni's communication got better. She was making progress in all sorts of ways. It only took one night to erase all of it. Shelby was almost willing to overlook this infraction, but she'd be following her own passive regimen. 

This required action.  
  
After deliberating over it, Shelby sat with her knees to her chest, clutching her cross necklace when she made up her mind. Soon, there would be nothing left to compromise. She refused to watch Toni wear herself down to nothing. The thought of it alone brought fresh tears to Shelby's eyes, but she knew this was bigger than both of them. She had prayed herself raw. If they couldn't help balance each other and maintain some sort of stability within one another, what did they have? Their relationship had dwindled down to monosyllabic grunts in the morning, robotic, surface-level interactions throughout the day, and their backs to each other at night. 

Shelby wiped her face and headed to their bedroom, despite the tightness in her chest. Her leaden legs weighed fifty pounds each, physical objections to what had to do. She shuddered as she stood in the doorway. She looked at Toni's sleeping body and felt like there was a stranger in her bed. She let out a heavy sob as that thought came to mind. Then she began to gather her things.  
  


* * *

  
  
_I'm all alone_ _  
_ _  
_ _I'm feeling everything before I got up_

 _  
_ _  
_ Toni was disoriented the next morning. It felt like the blood in her veins had been replaced with a carbonated drink, she felt so woozy. Her neck cracked as she lifted her head to check the time on her phone: noon. Her body was sprawled out across their bed. As she stretched the sediment out of her joints, she willed herself to get up. Her head immediately began swimming when she did. In a vain attempt to open her eyes, she winced away from the direction of the window.  
  
The apartment was uncharacteristically quiet. Usually, there was a distant drone of the television or the soft sounds of Shelby bustling around by the time she woke up. This morning, there was no such thing. Nonetheless, Toni rolled over and wiped her eyes again. She felt like shit after last night. 

Fuck.  
  
Last night.  
  
Toni forced her eyes open, this time ignoring the pounding that surged through her head when she did. Her heart felt shallow against her ribcage, its beating spiking in intensity. The realization of what she’d done fell on her chest like a pile of bricks. There was a sinking feeling in her stomach, but she convinced herself it was hunger and got out of bed. 

On her way into the kitchen, she considered the distant threat Shelby proposed and banished the idea as soon as it had popped up. It was probably a long shot—Shelby always said things she didn't really mean.  
  
Toni didn’t know where Shelby was, but she wasn’t going to worry. Shelby probably wanted her to worry, wanted her to sweat a little. She wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. She went through her day as normal, sinking into the dent in the couch and watching Netflix. Maybe she would order a pizza or something. She didn’t want to do too much because she felt so groggy after drinking her feelings. 

Despite the way she continually checked her phone for an update from Shelby, she refused to get riled up. Instead of unraveling into a puddle of nerves like she was inclined, she started to get angry. What, was Shelby trying to teach her a lesson? Was she trying to prove her point by ignoring her all day? It was rich, she thought. Toni’s lip had curled into a perpetual snarl as she forced herself to focus on the television. 

When the sun began to go down, Toni’s resolve eased up a little. Her anger with Shelby was senseless, but she needed something to hold onto so she wouldn’t come undone. Her cuticles were tattered and bloody now, having chewed on her nails all day to cope. She didn’t really know who she was putting on a show for, but she felt herself holding onto the facade in any sense. Admitting that she was scared would lead to the pursuit of an answer, and she wasn’t ready to confront that. She’d much rather be pissed at Shelby for making her feel like this. 

Eventually, she put her pride aside enough to call her.  
  
She was sent to voicemail.  
  
After subduing that recurring apprehension, she glanced sideways at her phone. She called again and was sent to Shelby's voicemail once more, but instead of hanging up, she left her a message.  
  
"Hey," Toni greeted her timidly. "Um--I'm kind of worried... I haven't seen you all day. Uh--if you get this message then call me back. I'll see you later. Bye, I love you."  
  
Shelby's threat plagued Toni's mind again, but Toni was refusing to accept that distant possibility. It was strange that Shelby hadn't spoken to her at all today. Even on the busiest of days, Shelby always set aside a few minutes for Toni. Despite the times she was upset with her, she usually caved in within a few hours. It had been nearly a whole day without any word from Shelby at all. With the spirit of defiance, Toni worked to convince herself otherwise. She made up some excuses for Shelby to put her doubts at rest.  
  
Almost compulsively, Toni began to check her phone for any signs of Shelby's response. At the end of each thirty-minute episode, she sent out another text to her girlfriend. Her endeavors got a little more frantic with each hour that passed. Only now was it beginning to take a toll on her. No matter how many times Toni reached out, she received no form of acknowledgment from her.

For the umpteenth time, Shelby's words flashed into her mind. The conditions were plain and simple: if it happened again, she would leave. And it did happen again. But was she really gone?  
  
Would Shelby really leave, even after Toni had been doing so well? Would Shelby actually ruin all of their history because of one tiny, impulsive blunder Toni made? It was a mistake. If confronted, she would own up to it in a heartbeat. But there was no confrontation. She wasn't even here.  
  
Then it occurred to Toni that maybe she'd forgotten something. As a last resort, she picked herself up from the couch to go check to see if an appointment or something had slipped her mind. Shelby kept track of her schedule and left little reminders on their refrigerator sometimes. Maybe that was it.   
  
"Fuck," Toni cursed as she scrutinized the cursive print on their little calendar. There were no doctor's appointments or anything circled in pink marker. Nothing had come up at work. There was nothing scheduled for today. So where was Shelby?  
  
Toni stepped forward and let her head rest against the refrigerator as she became even more upset. She simply pressed redial and put the phone back up to her ear. It rang a few times, then inevitably went to voicemail. Again. Where the fuck was she? And why wasn't she answering the phone?  
  
"Baby, I don't know where you are... And you won't answer the phone. I'm kind of freaking out. If you could please just call me back or text me or something... That would be great... I love you," Toni said pitifully, ending her voicemail.  
  
Toni was dealing with a whirlwind of emotions. She closed her eyes tightly and forced herself to pull it together as she considered Shelby's words again. Now, it didn't seem so far-fetched. Although it would break her to find out, Toni decided to check. Wondering without any validation one way or another was giving her hell.  
  
Her extensive state of denial came to an abrupt end when she retired back to their room. Now that she was searching for anything out of the ordinary, a few things stuck out like a sore thumb. Toni had no idea how she didn't notice the way their closet had a massive gap between the hangers. Toni darted over and yanked the doors fully open, only to find that there was nothing inside save a few sad hangers and the few pieces she never wore. She discovered the same sight when she looked inside Shelby's mostly vacant drawers. A lump formed in Toni's throat as she took in the sight. Her hands began to shake as she grasped the drawer handles. 

If she was really gone, Toni believed that she wouldn't just leave her to find out the hard way. She wouldn’t do that to her; Shelby had learned to be extra communicative because Toni was not. She would have formally told her that she was deciding to leave. Under no circumstances would she just up and leave in the middle of the night. In search of a sign, she set off towards their bathroom.  
  
Now that she was looking, Toni regretfully noticed that all of Shelby's toiletries were missing. When Toni opened their medicine cabinet, Shelby's medicine was gone from there as well. Tears brimmed Toni's eyes, but she didn't allow them to fall. Toni couldn’t fabricate any stories about a kidnapping or robbery or some other dire situation that would explain it. It was obvious. She wiped her hot tears off her cheek and slammed the cabinet. The only thing that was out of line was the fact that she didn't say goodbye. If this was real, if it was official, Shelby had left without a single word in her departure.  
  
Shelby had taken everything with her, leaving her side of the room almost completely barren. The other factors had her in a daze, but there was one sight that destroyed Toni's composure. When Toni's gaze landed on Shelby's bedside table and she saw nothing except for the picture of the two of them, she lost it. Shelby had taken everything but that picture, and she'd left it face-down.

Immediately, she crumpled to the ground and buried her face in her hands. The wail that tore from her throat shocked her as it turned into an anguished scream. Her short nails indented her palms as she squeezed her fists so tightly they began to tremble. Incapable of controlling her breaths, her chest rose and fell rapidly. Her heart was a thousand-pound stone sitting hollowly in her chest. She threw her head back against the wall and clasped her hands over her head as she sobbed.

  
  
_Pick_ _  
_ _  
_ _Up the phone_

 _  
_  
Toni called her deliriously. Seventeen times, it said, and she knew the eighteenth would make no difference. Shelby had clearly turned her phone off, or blocked her, but she found herself desperate to hear her voicemail. " _Hey, it’s Shelby! I can’t pick up the phone right now, but—"_ Click. Redial. " _Hey, it’s Shelby! I_ —"

Her trembling hands were barely able to grasp her phone. Her blurred vision made it nearly impossible to see the list of contacts on her screen. Toni fell to her knees before the toilet, weakened by the crushing truth of the matter. She retched until her throat burned. She wiped her mouth and rolled onto the floor.

  
_I'm all alone_

  
  
"Shelby, please. I'm so sorry," Toni cried openly into the receiver, although Shelby wasn't on the line. It was merely another unbecoming voicemail. "I'm so fucking sorry. I'll never touch another drink again if you come back. I swear to God. I— I don't know what to do." She paused to catch her breath. Her heaving made her words slurred and incomprehensible.

  
  
_I always want you when I'm coming down_

  
  
Toni lied on the couch with a photograph of Shelby in her hands. She was trying to rationalize how they’d ended up here. Her tears were running in the same streaks into her sideburns because she couldn’t be bothered to wipe them anymore. The animation had fizzled out to bitter reflection. 

She thought about Marty and the only time she had truly condemned her: _Why can’t you ever just walk away? Or run, even, you know? You ruin things. You destroy things, and you break things. You’re exhausting._ It played in her mind all the time, but especially now. It was true. She had exhausted Shelby. She’d ruined their relationship with nothing left to show for it. And still, she wasn’t the one who ran.

  
  
_I always want you when I'm coming down._

_  
__  
_ The night was even more unforgiving than the day. Toni lied awake through the early hours of the morning, tortured by memories of Shelby. It was only the first day. How was she to cope without her if she couldn't even handle one night alone? Alone was _not_ safer; it wasn’t. It couldn’t be when she felt so exposed. Her throat was raw from all of her sobbing and pleading into a dead-end receiver, but then she thought that she deserved that. She laid on her back clutching Shelby's pillow. Her scent still lingered on it and for that, Toni sought comfort in it despite the scratchy silver sequins.  
  


* * *

  
The morning time was difficult for Toni. She didn't wake up to a mixture of smells wafting from the kitchen. When she entered the kitchen, it was in solemn silence. She didn't walk in on her girlfriend cooking a nice meal for the two of them or hear the sizzling of the frying pan. She didn't get to witness Shelby dancing subtly to whatever song she may have been listening to that morning, and she didn't get to hear her quiet singing voice just barely singing along. She didn't get the opportunity to sneak up behind her and announce her presence with a hug from behind and a kiss on the cheek. Of course, it had been months since any scenes like that played out, but it wounded Toni even more to know she’d forfeited it.  
  
Her face was forlorn and withdrawn as she searched their kitchen for something quick to eat. Toni lethargically fetched herself some cereal. She suppressed the urge to cry again when her gaze settled on the box of Apple Jacks near the back. Shelby hated Apple Jacks, so Toni chose to hide her engagement ring there. 

Her original plan was to wait until Shelby got into her master’s program, just to avoid burdening her with distractions beforehand. Toni had known for years that Shelby was the one she wanted to marry. It was in the back of her mind to wait, but she bought the ring the moment she had the money for it.  
  
Toni discarded the box of cereal and absently wiped her face. She hadn't even known she'd started crying again. In the midst of all the shock of yesterday, it kind of slipped her mind that she'd already purchased an engagement ring. Now it was made crystal clear, along with the fact that its presence no longer had any purpose. Oddly enough, Toni found that she didn't have much of an appetite.

  
  
_I always want you when I'm coming down_

_  
_ _  
_ An entire week had passed without any signs of Shelby. Toni received no word from her, or anyone, for that matter. When she reached out to Shelby's friends, they claimed not to have any idea of her whereabouts. She couldn’t talk to her family; Shelby wouldn’t have gone there anyway. Apparently, Shelby wasn't staying with anyone Toni had any connections to. But out of sight didn't necessarily always mean out of mind.

  
  
_I always want you when I'm coming down_

_  
_ _  
_ Toni thought about her relentlessly. Day by day, Toni's hopes dwindled a little more. Shelby had disappeared without a trace. Toni’s level of dependency had become so severe, she was really unsure of how to get along without her by her side. Her hygiene started to suffer as she couldn’t bring herself to do anything. She was hardly eating. Her features were gaunt and there seemed to be permanent bags under her eyes. She wasn’t returning anyone’s calls or replying to any messages. Toni could actually feel herself sinking into the depths of despondency without Shelby there to lift her up.

She had been sober for the first few days, just in case it was a test and Shelby came back to see the results. But when a week had passed, Toni found no reason to deprive herself of what she needed.

The strangest sense of freedom washed over her. She wouldn't be nagged about what time she'd get home or if she was out with anyone Shelby didn't approve of. She wouldn't have to stress about a sober facade afterward or worry if alcohol was still on her breath. She had no restrictions, so fuck it. She knew just how to get back to her old self.

  
_Poppin' again_ _  
_ _I tried to quit again_ _  
_ _I'm always tight with somethin' I begin_

 _  
_  
This type of unsolicited euphoria she was experiencing was second to none. After arriving with a one-track mind, Toni tried to get into as much as she could as soon as possible. There was no curfew. There was no desire to sulk home afterward. She could stay here as long as she wanted. These were her people. Toni hadn't felt more like herself since she'd been gone. The mixture of alcohol and the pills was dangerous, but Toni felt like she had nothing to lose even if something happened to go wrong. She didn’t matter. It wasn't like she was returning to a welcoming atmosphere later to fall into the arms of her lover. She'd be met with a cold bed and an empty apartment, and she wanted to put that off for as long as possible.  
  
Someone came into her vicinity, backlit by red light. "Toni, you want a line or what?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm coming.” She nodded and stood up swiftly. Everything in her field of vision shifted and it took her a second to reacquaint herself. She liked the way her head was spinning. It took the attention away from the aching in her chest.  
  
While steadying herself against the wall and a few pieces of furniture on her way over, Toni eagerly followed in his footsteps. The LED lights were fading from red to green to blue as she seated herself amongst the others and waited for them to finish. The familiar burning didn't discourage her from continuing to take her hit. She rubbed the irritation away from her nose and blinked rapidly to stop her eyes from watering in response. As soon as she recovered, she was handed a blunt. When she coughed, she was grateful to feel something in her chest besides that constant, dull pain.  
  
Toni occupied her time by following everyone else's poor example. Hit after hit, sip after sip, she worked to forget. How could she forget the girl that was ingrained into everything she was? Toni's endeavors became desperate. Her body couldn't handle all of her futile methods. Eventually, those substances caught up to her. Without any formal warning, her vision turned as black as the hole in her heart.

  
_That's why my niggas got me to the end_ _  
_ _Supply what I take, I take what I spend baby_

  
  
"Toni, you need to pull yourself together," Fatin snapped as soon as Toni dragged herself to her car in slow, debilitated movements. She watched her slink inside without a single word of acknowledgment.  
  
"Okay," Toni said with low eyes. 

"Do you even hear me? This is the fourth day in a row I've picked you up from some stranger's nasty, dank-ass house. What are you doing to yourself?" Fatin glanced at her from the driver's seat. 

This behavior of hers had gotten so out of hand, Toni just texted her a new address in the morning without so little as asking if she could come. Fatin had offered her aid whenever it was necessary, but it was like Toni damn near expected it now. She was unwilling to abandon her, but she did want to try to get through to her.  
  
"Sorry," she said apathetically, letting her head fall back onto the headrest.  
  
"I know you're hurting, Toni. I know. But you can't just sit here and destroy yourself—" Fatin began, but was interrupted by Toni’s groan. 

Toni threw her hands up in exasperation and glared at the girl that was only trying to help. 

She was so fucking sick of hearing the same sermon over and over. Obviously, it wasn't healthy. Obviously, it was only hurting her more. Obviously, it wasn't the way to cope with it. She fucking knew all of that. It was about damn time they stop reiterating it.  
  
"You can't just throw your life away over this." Fatin eyed her before pulling away from the curb. "What happens if you overdose?"  
  
"I don't see why not.” Toni glared over at her with misplaced resentfulness. "Who the fuck cares, _God!_ Shelby's _gone_."  
  
"I do. Shelby does, and I know she's definitely not coming back if this is what you're doing every night. What happens if she sees you like this?" Fatin countered and met her terse demeanor with a clipped tone of her own.  
  
"Why are you acting like we've broken up?" Toni grimaced at her and propped her leg up in the seat. "She'll be back soon. She’s just … testing me."  
  
"Yeah, okay, well you’re failing by most accounts. Toni, you haven't seen her in like two weeks. You haven't even spoken to her," Fatin said. "And even if she doesn't come back, you need to get it together for the next person that's waiting for you. You won't meet someone else if—”  
  
"Did you ever think that maybe I don't want to meet someone new? No one is going to replace her, Fatin. There isn't anyone in this fucking world I would ever want in her place. If I don't have her, I don't have anything," Toni said bluntly, craning her neck toward her. 

"I'm not saying you should replace her. But... either way, Shelby or no Shelby, you’ve gotta take care of yourself. Getting fucked up every night won't help anything. You're not making yourself better, and you're stressing out everyone around you," Fatin expressed to her, trying to respect her sensitivity. 

“If you don’t want to fucking pick me up, I’ll get an Uber. Fuck.” Toni sunk into the seat and chewed on her lip. 

“You need to get your talons out of my fucking back, girl. I’m trying to help you.” Fatin shot a look at Toni, who was curling into herself against the door. “And you need help.”

"I don't care," Toni groaned, hoping to discourage her preaching.  
  
"Shelby would," Fatin retorted.  
  
Toni ignored her for a full minute and resorted to staring out of the window. Internally, she knew Shelby would be devastated to see her like this. It sickened her to imagine the person she'd become. Her stomach began to churn as she thought of the absent green-eyed beauty. Everything was coming to light again as she relived the moment she realized she was gone. That feeling manifested in her stomach even more. She didn't know if it was the effects of all she'd consumed from the night before or possibly a new way of expelling her grief. 

"She doesn't anymore."  
  
"You know she does," Fatin said as they came to a stop in the parking lot of Toni's apartment complex. "Shelby loves you, Toni, and maybe her opinion is the only one you care about. So, what would she think if she saw you right now? How would she feel if she knew that this was how you chose to deal with it? You know it breaks her heart to see you doing this to yourself.”  
  
"Look, I know that." Toni's voice wavered as she replied almost inaudibly. She then hugged herself to try to keep down the contents of her stomach.  
  
It wasn't much of a debate whether or not that feeling in her stomach was credited to her self disgust or her toxins. Tears welled in her eyes as she tried to swallow the lump in her throat and subdue her bile. That sinking feeling in her chest became overwhelming. The thought of Shelby seeing her like this made her sick. One hand hastily pushed open the door and she stumbled out before emptying her stomach violently. Fatin grit her teeth and tried to ignore the harsh sounds of her retching and heaving. She got out of the car and held her breath to rub her back. This was a new low.  
  
"It’s okay. Come on. Get up. It’s okay.” Fatin’s face contorted into an expression of sympathy. 

She bore most of Toni's weight as she led her toward the complex. With a strong arm around Toni's midsection, Fatin walked to her door. Toni was once more in tears, and Fatin had to control herself so she wouldn't join her from seeing her in that state. It was so hard to be in the dark with Toni, with no more words to offer than unhelpful clichés. No part of her trusted that Toni would take heed to her advice on her own. Because the situation was becoming so dire, Fatin vowed to stay with her through the night.  
  


* * *

  
  
_I ain't lyin' to nobody but me_

_  
_  
Fatin's warning eventually fell unto deaf ears. Toni acted accordingly in her presence and on her own for a few days, but she'd easily slipped back into her old habits. There was no one there to see her progress. Without an audience, she felt like she wasn't making any. It wasn't as though she wanted someone to celebrate such a trivial accomplishment like staying sober, but she wanted Shelby's validation. She wanted her to witness how she'd given it up for good, even if only for a day or two. Temptation was a powerful thing, though, and Toni found herself being drawn to the stashes she'd successfully abandoned in due time.  
  
Motivation and encouragement were the only factors that were lacking, and that was enough for Toni to reverse what little progress she'd been able to make. Within a mere three days of that stern talk with Fatin, Toni was drug-addled and woozy from a combination of pills and drink. She’d hit up her emergency stash. Her phone was warm in her hands as it sat on the charger. With nothing to lose, she called Shelby again. 

  
"Hello?" Shelby answered. 

  
Toni’s eyes snapped to focus as her brow creased. Immediately, she sat up and pressed the phone closer to her ear. "Shelby?" 

  
"Hi," Shelby greeted her softly, wearing a downcast smile.  
  
To say she was disappointed wouldn’t cover it. Toni had only uttered a single word, but Shelby knew that tone well. She'd become well acquainted with Toni's intoxicated speech patterns. Her words were always slowed, as if she would be more apt to preventing slurring if she did it that way. And her voice was lower and raspier. It pained Shelby to detect these differences, even more so for Toni to suffer from addiction—and that’s what it had to be, didn’t it? That kind of dependency, that kind of struggle?  
  
"Hi." Toni marveled at the voice she'd been deprived of. She held the phone up to her ear with both hands and turned the volume up, desperate not to miss a single word this call allowed.  
  
"How are you?" Shelby asked with a sigh. 

"I'm... Uh—How are you?" Toni flipped the question from her embarrassment of how atrociously she'd been dealing with it. She bit her lip as she waited for her response. 

"I've been okay. Not great, obviously... But... better than I thought I'd be, I guess," Shelby said, hesitant to share with Toni all of the sleepless nights and drained days, her tormented thoughts and grief-stricken breakdowns, or her constant regrets. "You?"  
  
"Yeah... Me too..." Toni fibbed, stemming from the same precautions that Shelby had.

  
_And you_

  
  
"Well, that's good... I'm glad you're—"  
  
"Baby, when are you coming back?" Toni cut right to the chase.  
  
"What?" Shelby responded to buy herself some time. 

"Or—Where are you?" she rephrased it, mentally acknowledging that it might've been a little too straightforward. Besides, she didn't know what she would do if Shelby validated the permanence of this. She was just beginning to be somewhat okay with their separation.  
  
"I'm at my aunt's," Shelby revealed tentatively, looking around the house that had welcomed her in her time of need. "You don’t know her."  
  
"Oh." Toni waited hopefully for some follow-up information.  
  
"Yeah... I was at a hotel for the first few days, but I just ended up here," Shelby continued.  
  
Shelby ran a hand through her hair as she considered disclosing her location. She wanted to see her but knew it wasn’t in her best interest. If she opened herself up to the toxicity, they might never move on; they might never push themselves to be better. They'd reached their breaking point and she'd been advised by several to just end it officially.  
  
For a while, Shelby lived in a constant state of denial, always defending Toni's actions and making up excuses for her shortcomings to others. Always thinking that maybe, one day, Toni would learn how to get herself under control. Their time apart was a decision that had been strongly influenced by everyone else around her. Through their tedious convincing, she had to realize how the cons of being with Toni outweighed the pros in terms of her wellbeing. Even if Shelby was willing to forgive her for this, she wasn't sure they had much left to salvage.  
  
"How is it there? I mean, really... How've you been? We haven't talked in forever. It— It’s been killing me," Toni said. 

Even if she wouldn't return to the safe-haven of her arms any time soon, Toni was indulging in just getting to hear voice alone. She found that Southern twang comforting, but the lilt in her voice just wasn’t there anymore. The most sadistic part of her wanted proof that this had been as hard on Shelby.  
  
"It's fine, I guess. I've been around my cousins and aunt and uncle and stuff. I haven't seen them in a while," Shelby shared with a ghost of a smile. Her ribcage suddenly felt too small for her thumping heart.  
  
"That's great." Toni wore a faint smile as well.  
  
"Yeah," Shelby said. She wrapped her arm around her midsection when they fell into silence.   
  
"I'm glad you answered my call," Toni gushed.  
  
"Well, I couldn't ignore you forever," Shelby regretfully admitted.  
  
"I missed you," Toni said. She was a little out of it, but she had enough cognitive control to be aware of her words. With her excitement, her words began to slur together. "God, I love you. Iloveyousomuch and I haven't been able to tell you that... But I love you and Imissyou."  
  
Shelby opened her mouth to return the words that she still felt wholeheartedly, but she stopped herself. Of course she still loved Toni and missed her just as much, but with the decision she was about to make, she figured it was best to just leave it alone. A few seconds passed without any response from Shelby at all.  
  
"Hey? You there?" Toni prompted for a panicked moment, sensing that she'd said something forbidden.  
  
"I'm here," she placated her and ran a tired hand over her face.  
  
"Oh okay. Did you hear what I said?" she reiterated after exhaling a labored breath of relief. "I said I missed you."  
  
"I know," Shelby said, cautiously looking over her shoulder when she heard someone shuffling closer. 

"You don't miss me too?" Toni let out an insecure laugh when she realized how Shelby had evaded the reciprocation of her words. She didn't need the validation of her love; she knew.  
  
"It's not that I don't miss you, Toni, it's just—" Shelby slowly started to explain, but was interrupted before she could even get her point across.  
  
"Shelby, I haven't seen you in weeks now. We've never been apart for that long with _nothing_ in between--" Toni tried to avoid feeling that familiar sadness welling in her chest.  
  
"I know, but we also know that there's a reason for that," Shelby mumbled. 

It was so hard to be blunt with the girl she loved so dearly. She was trying to be gentle with her approach but knew Toni wouldn't let her beat around the bush for long.  
  
"I understand why you left. But I'm changing, babe. I want to make this work... I—I'm changing..." Toni stressed, sensing that she was about to lose her again--maybe for good.

  
_And me_

_  
_  
"That's great. I'm really proud of you, Toni," Shelby praised her through gritted teeth. Tears burned in her eyes, but she couldn’t cry for her anymore. This conversation had exhausted her already.  
  
Toni smiled to herself and waited for a further response. She was waiting for Shelby's approval and her apology for leaving. Which words of praise in particular Shelby would string together, she didn't know. The prospect of having Shelby build and repair her ego was steadily increasing her spirits. Though it was based on a lie, Toni was elated to hear it coming from her. She awaited more, but it didn't come. 

"Thank you. I can only get better. I'll probably do well by the time you come back home," Toni said with a brighter expectation for what was to come.  
  
"Toni... I'm not coming home." Shelby wiped the first tear that fell. She shut her eyes and grabbed a handful of her hair as she braced herself for her inevitable outburst.  
  
"Yeah, I mean I don't expect you to just move back in tonight," Toni laughed at her implication, the true meaning going right over her head. “I mean you really took all your shit. But I get it.”  
  
"I don't just mean tonight. I'm not coming home... at all," she cleared up her disposition nervously.  
  
"What do you mean?" Toni said unevenly, eyes darting across the room. Her resolve crumbled instantaneously. The calm heart rate she'd acquired had skyrocketed once more.  
  
"I can't." Shelby's voice cracked as her conflicting emotions started to get the best of her.  
  
"But I've stopped going out." Toni doubled down, clenching her jaw. “I told you.”  
  
"And that's amazing, but—" Shelby tried to dismiss it and express her point, but was interrupted by Toni's outburst.  
  
"Does it even fucking mean anything to you?" Toni snapped into the receiver bitterly, finally catching on to Shelby's drift. The liquor in her system made her a lot more abrasive and impulsive than she usually was. In her normal state, she probably could've been a little more understanding.  
  
"Toni—" Shelby began, but couldn't stop shaking. All of this had turned Toni into a compulsive liar. It was beginning to be too much for her to handle.  
  
"So then what's the matter? Why won't you come back home to me? I miss you," Toni whimpered and tried to keep her composure. Control, _control_. She wouldn't coax Shelby back by whining.  
  
"I have prayed about this. I prayed and _prayed_ , but you—" Shelby said softly, knowing how volatile she was when she wasn't sober.  
  
"Shelby, I don't understand. I've stopped everything for you.” Toni's brow creased in anger, but she tried focusing on her breathing. Her breaths came out in short spurts despite her efforts. Her mouth was curled into an ugly pout as she pulled the phone away from her ear to look at the screen.  
  
"Is that why Fatin was freaking out over you possibly overdosing?" Shelby said with an eerie calmness.  
  
Toni's face paled in response. Well, she'd been caught and now her hands were tied. She was shocked, then enraged. Never before had she felt so betrayed and disrespected. Fatin was on _her_ side now? What a fucking pal.  
  
"That was a long time ago," she grumbled, referring to the incident of three miserable days ago. "I meant since then."

  
  
_But you especially_

_  
_ _  
_ "Toni..." Shelby trailed off and pinched the bridge of her nose to keep her tears at bay. After expelling a shaky breath, she rubbed her neck and finalized her decision. "Toni, are you listening?"  
  
"Yes?" Toni pressed and her voice portrayed her irritation with being caught.  
  
"I can't do this anymore. This whole setup was supposed to be temporary, but— I—Um—" Shelby stuttered and closed her eyes, letting out a labored breath.  
  
"What?" she demanded, already sensing what was coming. 

Though she was intoxicated, her intuition was still sharp. She'd known what Shelby was dancing around the entire time. Playing coy was her means of prolonging the inevitable. It seemed as though her time had run out.  
  
"You asked me when I was coming back... And I'm not. I’m not, okay!?” Shelby forced it out and rested her head against the wall, wretchedly holding up the phone to her ear. "I'm not coming back. I can't be around you when you're like this. So I'll probably stay here for a little bit longer and then figure the rest out soon. I'm sorry, Toni, but I'm not going back. I can't."  
  
The heated device in Toni’s hand nearly clattered to the ground when she perceived what Shelby had just told her. Toni was grateful she wasn't standing because she probably would have sunken to the ground as well. Pink and somewhat chapped lips were only parted in shock as she idly held the phone in that seemingly frozen state. Those steady tears had evidently taken a break. The one time the protocol included them, her eyes were dry as could be. In truth, she was drained. That confirmation had taken the last bit of fight she had left in her. The shock had taken control of her body before the absolute panic set in.  
  
It was deathly quiet on the other line. Shelby's concern was only amplified by her lack of reaction. "Toni? Say something..."  
  
"You said you would never leave me," Toni reminded her, but it came out in a muffled sound. Those words were stifled by the misery seizing her. “After Marty, you said you would never leave me. Ever. You—You said that, Shelby, that’s what you said.”  
  
"You can’t do that. Not now." Shelby met her despondent tone with a cold reply.  
  
"Shelb..." Toni pleaded with a broken voice and clung to her cell phone as if it would bring her closer to her. "I— _Fuck—_ I stopped… I’m _sober_ . I’m _clean_ . Please, I just—"  
  
"No you’re not," Shelby said resentfully. Her skin grew warmer as that budding anger started to escalate.  
  
"I am!" Toni swore and thought of the marginal amount of truth in her statement.  
  
"Toni, I'm not fucking stupid. You are all kinds of messed up right now. Do you know how I know that?" Shelby snapped, finally having reached her breaking point. "Because you get like this so fucking much, I can hear it in your voice. Jesus, Toni, I swear I can _smell_ it on you. You can barely fucking speak. You are _not_ sober, and you're _not_ clean. You never are. So stop lying to me."  
  
"Shelby..." Toni trailed. 

“No, alright, I cannot stay with someone that can't cope without getting fucked up, Toni. I just can't. It's not fair to me. I have to do what's best for me now," Shelby said as her strength increased. "Everything was always about you. I put my feelings aside to make you happy. I excused everything you did because I didn't want to lose you. But we're walking on eggshells all the time. You're always mad at me and I'm always mad at you. You don't do anything but stress me out, Toni. I… I _hate_ the way you make me feel when we're together. I'm always the bad guy and I'm always the one that is getting punished for something. _It's your turn_ ," she expressed all of her anger and contempt over the phone and didn't pause for a minute to consider her state.  
  
"I thought I was best for you," Toni choked out. "I didn't know you felt that way. I'm sorry..." she drew in a shuddering breath, the tightness of her chest more painful than anything else she'd ever had to endure. This was rivaling the magnitude of the first revelation. When did Shelby begin feeling that way?  
  
"You used to be," Shelby hiccuped through her tears. Spitting that venom at Toni hadn't made her feel better at all. "I'm sorry, Toni. But I can't go back. You have a problem and you need help. It’s more than what I can do. I don't know how to deal with you anymore. Some people are just wired differently, and--"

“What, because I’m so fucked up like my mom? I’m gonna be in and out of rehab for the rest of my life, just like her? Is that it?” Toni said, then swiped her arm across the coffee table. A bottle of vodka and an open bottle of tequila went flying, smashing on the hardwood. She stood up in a fury. 

Shelby winced from the sound, but thought it typical. She knew what happened next. Toni would hurt herself, and then Shelby would have to come rescue her. She had seen it play out too many times before. Not this time. 

"You know I that isn't what I meant," Shelby said darkly. "Don’t make this ugly.”

“I’m not making it ugly, you are. The one person in my life who actually gives a shit about me ends up fucking off like everyone else. I’m sorry, that’s ugly,” Toni continued with a harsher grip on her phone. 

“You need help.” Shelby shook her head, internally promising herself not to give in. Toni’s guilt trips turned her stomach into knots. “I can’t help you.”

"So I'll get help. I will, Shelby. I'll get help and then you can come back. It'll be fine. We--We’ll be fine." Toni rushed her words and desperately tried to please her somehow. Her rationale had flipped in a flash.  
  
"Maybe you will, and maybe you won't. I love you with all of my heart, but I can't wait around for you to get better. You've had so many chances and you never pulled through. It's too much for me to deal with," Shelby cried openly now, giving no regard for the footsteps approaching her. She only turned further into the wall to hide her face.  
  
"Shelby, I'll stop. I swear I will. I promise to God. Don't do this, I love you..." Toni desperately entreated, sobbing just as freely as Shelby was. In a frenzy of distress and anger, Toni gripped a handful of her hair and tugged as she cried. "Shelby, please. That's the last time I'll ever touch another drink, I swear… I fucking swear."  
  
"I have to go." 

Shelby bid her goodbye and let her thumb hover over the red button. Just then, her cousin had rounded the corner and encased her in a strong hug. He'd known what she'd just had to do. With this hug, he proved that he was there for her as well as everyone else. When she clutched him and let those gut-wrenching sobs to make her entire body quake, she ended the call without bothering to hear any more of her empty promises.

When she heard the dial tone, Toni launched her phone across the room and didn’t react when it smashed upon impact. 

  
_Pick up the phone_ _  
_ _The party's finished and I want you to know_ _  
_ _I'm all alone_

 _  
_  
Toni remembered in the first grade when she broke her arm on the monkey bars. She thought it was the most excruciating thing ever. Following that, she skipped a few years ahead and reminisced on the day she got a concussion on the court. Then there was the near-death food poisoning experience. Skipping ahead to her current position, she could attest to the fact that neither of those could challenge the searing pain of a broken heart. Those injuries were temporary and provided mild discomfort if any strain was put on it. With a broken heart, the pain was constant and intangible. It plagued everything around her. This was the second time around she'd experienced it. It was equally as unforgiving as the first.

  
  
_I'm feeling everything before I got up_ _  
_ _I always want you when I'm coming down_ _  
_ _I always want you when I'm coming down_ _  
_ _I always want you when I'm coming down_ _  
_ _I always want you when I'm coming down_

 _  
_ _  
_ This was spiraling out of control. Toni returned to her habits and reveled in her apparent addiction, despite Fatin's protests. She could hardly function in that apartment alone now that she was certain that there was no chance of redemption with Shelby. Drinking herself into oblivion was her method of choice. It was proven to her that she didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. All she needed was to forget.

  
_Pick up your phone_

_  
_ _  
_ "I can't believe you actually fucking left me. I did nothing but love and care for you, Shelby. You're a selfish bitch, you know that? I stayed through all of your fucking problems. You can't stay through mine? You only care about yourself," Toni ranted and hung up. She took another bitter swig from the bottle that had become her only companion. All of these spiteful words were encouraged by having her call ignored for what had to be the hundredth time. She figured Shelby had changed her number by now.  
  
Only in the early hours of the morning was she surrounded by anguish. After yet another sleepless night, she came to resent Shelby. Whenever she thought of her dreadful situation, she forced the blame elsewhere. Shelby was taking the easy way out by leaving.   
  
"And all that shit you said after Marty.” There was a sardonic laugh to start the new voicemail. “You said you would never leave. You saved my fucking life and now you won’t help me. You should’ve just let me die on the island.” She paused with the bottle hanging off her parted lips, then she tipped it back. “You should’ve let me die.” 

Toni hung up again and called back a few seconds later. 

“I let you leave. I let you leave because I knew you'd be coming back. I trusted you, you know. And after everything. You left me when I needed you, Shelby. And I fucking hate you," she ranted and defiled her entire past with Shelby. She couldn't tell if the sound she made was a sob or a twisted laugh, but her lips curled into a sinister smile before finishing with the worst of her arsenal: "I get Becca now. I get it. You drive people to it, I swear you do." A resentful nod. "I swear, you do."

Toni ended her third voicemail of the night with a groan. None of it brought her any satisfaction. She felt vindicated until she thought of Shelby actually hearing what she had to say. Imagining her pained expression. Her tears. Whatever she would think. She figured she might as well take back what she said, although it wouldn't change anything.  
  
"Sorry," she apologized when the familiar beep had prompted her to leave a message. "Fuck, I don't hate you. I love you, and I just want you to come home," she admitted when all of her animosity faded into desolation. 

She ended the voicemail then discarded her phone beside her. She curled into a ball on the couch and buried her face in her hands. This was a constant cycle for her. She was tired of it, and she knew Shelby was too. 

The phone calls ceased eventually. Toni understood that Shelby wanted nothing else to do with her. Soon after that reckless night, she learned that Shelby’s voicemail box was full and she couldn’t leave any more. It really was over.  
  
_I'm all alone_ _  
_ _  
_ _I always want you when I'm coming down_ _  
_ _I always want you when I'm coming down_ _  
_ _I always want you when I'm coming down_ _  
_ _I always want you when I'm coming down_

  
Toni wasn't alone, not really. There were several nameless faces and grinding bodies surrounding her. The air was pungent with the stench of liquor and sweat. She contributed to the scene with her sloshing cup in hand, carelessly blending into her environment. As she moved and danced against strangers backlit by blue light, she couldn't abandon the notion that something was missing. Perhaps it was someone.  
  
  



End file.
